One step closer to men ogling their love handles in front of the mirror for hours . . .

-ArmFat

Good job to this guy!

-ArmFat

Well, folks, today was weigh in. And bad news: I gained weight! My workout plan backfired horribly!

I am convinced now and it has done nothing but make me believe that working out is completely non-essential to weight loss. HOWEVER, I did invest all that JogTunes research and bought a package at the hot yoga studio, so I suppose I will continue the plan for another couple of weeks. Hopefully at the very least, even if my ass stays big, it will be a bit perkier.

I'll keep you all updated about the status of that goal and my many others . . .

-ArmFat

According to Women's Health Magazine, you are more likely to workout when you have music available. Duh. I think I can safely say that all of us who have hopped on a treadmill can agree we enjoyed Lady Gaga far more than the monotonous rhythm of our feet plugging along.

However, to supplement this thought, the magazine introduced a new site that I think I just may try. JogTunes.com allows you to enter the beats per minute (BPM), a genre, and an artist (or any combination of these) and it will generate a list of songs you should download to match your workout goals! There's even an "Indie Music Search" if you are sick of Taylor and Rhianna.

If you already have a set playlist in mind, you can alsoenter a song title and artist and the site will tell you the BPMs youhave been pumping iron to all along! As for me, I have been rocking the119 BPM with Poker Face when I could have been Chasing Pavements with Adele at a BPM of 162.

I will be putting together a jog miss for my trip to the gym tonight. Weigh in is tomorrow and after a healthy dose of baguette last night, I need all the help I can get!

-ArmFat

I have previously complained to Love Handles about how my company does a company-wide version of "The Biggest Loser." It's the same principle, except everyone pays a $20 entrance fee and then the winner at the end of the 10-weeks period gets all the money. This has been going on here for about two years.

When I first heard about it, I was horrified. Who would possibly want to weigh themselves in a public forum comprised of all people you work with!?!? It's MAD. And beyond that, there is one person specifically set aside to watch you weigh yourself, record it and then secretly pass judgment  while telling you that you can do better next week.

Well folks, something in me has changed; the time has come and I have joined the program. The money is incentive enough, but I didn't realize until I spent a night at a concert sipping water and passing on all offers of $2 PBRs that the streak of competition running through me is fierce. I am motivated by sheer, biting competition to annihilate all these lovely young women I stand in line with, waiting to get hearded into the "weigh in" room.

We are officially in our fifth week of the program; exactly half way. Staying true to my commit-to-something-for-a-week form, I lost six pounds in the first week and won the weekly weigh-in competition. I was euphoric. But since, I have bobbled up and down to pretty much remain the same since my weigh in that first week.

Here is my re-commitment that will hopefully surpass the one-week results I have become used to obtaining. I suppose this could begin to classify me as a yo-yo dieter, although usually I don't even make much of a net-loss from start to finish. My ultimate goal, aided by the provision of Hot Yoga Groupon this morning is to actually exercise.

Yes, I know it's crazy. To look toward making a healthy choice in the progress of weight loss rather than substituting a diet of raw foods or no carbs. I will let you know where this crazy journey takes me. Wish me luck, fellow dieters.

-ArmFat

I'm sure by now most have you have heard of Tucker Max, the brains and beauty behind the intelligent book and film I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Well, after reading the true account of Courtney A's experience with Tucker at LemonDrop.com recalling her bed room adventures with Tucker Max, I have been inspired to tell my story here.

It all started one cold night in Indiana when I decided I needed a #5 Vito from Jimmy John's. You know the one. Salami, Ham. Provolone. Delicious.

There I was, standing in line wearing my fat pants since I had already downed two Pumpkin Spice Lattes earlier in the day. As I am ordering my little slice of heaven from the counter attendant, in walks Tucker and entourage. It must have been the Giselle-like view of my hot behind (as described here) that provoked the one-liner he laid on me. I was hooked. He asked me to go home with him and I agreed. If my sandwich could come with.

Flash forward one delicious smelling cab ride later and we were back at his hotel. I couldn't wait to eat my sandwich. Tucker must have been in a hurry and had other plans. There was only one thing to do as he started kissing me and inching toward the couch. Make the grab now or regret it for the next seven minutes. It was on.

As we tumbled toward the pink scratchy couch pillows, I clutched the Jimmy John's bag tightly in my fingers. Kissing Tucker, I was able to tilt my head sideways to procure a view as I slowly opened the bag. I pulled out my sandwich and slowly pulled back the waxy paper. The sandwich appeared, ready to be bitten, just as Tucker started kissing my neck. This was it. My mouth was free.

Keeping one hand on the back of his head to ensure he wouldn't suddenly change locations, I took the first glorious bite. The salami seemed to melt in my mouth as the provolone stood sharply apart from the other greasy, spicy flavors. That's when Tucker went for the elastic waistband on my fat pants. What happened next was magical.

I bit into a pocket of capicola and onion and the flavors of the toasty bread, greasy meat and cold crisp cheese all blended together in my mouth. The net seven minutes were beautiful. Not too sure what Tucker was doing down there, but I enjoyed #5 Vito right down to the very last bite. I crumpled up the paper and tossed it behind the couch just in time and Tucker was none the wiser.

So in many respects, my interlude with Tucker was much more pleasant than Courtney A's. And it's all thanks to the joys of Italian deli meat.

- ArmFat

** Disclaimer: This confession may be slightly exaggerated or completely made up **

I watched More to Love last night.  I'm not particularly proud of this.  Nor am I really all that proud of how excited I felt leading up to the show...all the same, I was pumped.  I settled into my couch equipped with a dinner of cod w/salsa and peas and prepared to feel good about myself.  Anddd then the show started and suddenly I was depressed...



First of all let me just say...this guy might be an enorm (ha!) creep.  He kind of had me at first with his 'loving people for who they are' and 'liking curves'.  But about 3 first meeting make outs and an overall feeling of creepiness later I have decided I just dont know about this one.   I really WANT to believe someone like this guy exists, but I'm not sold.

These girls though...damn.  Screw guys everywhere, right?  These girls seem nice.  NONE OF THEM have really been out on dates?!  There are obviously some self esteem issues but it's not like they're fug.  These girls are fat, obviously, or they wouldn't have been selected.  But none of them were really like 'holy shit get them off of the television'.  Tali is straight up gorgeous, let's be serious.  All of them are basket cases ready to 'marry' this bro, although his is pretty typical to women on dating shows.  I get that Melissa is only 21 and clearly has a lot of shit going on but stopppp cryinggggg.  Suicide watch for that one once she inevitably gets the boot. 

Finally, Fox has done it again. I'm going to watch this show at least once or twice more before quitting it (maybe), but it's pretty bad.  Is it REALLY necessary for them to put the height and weight of every girl up while she's talking.  I mean, give me a break.  We get it, we're watching...they're big.  Leave them be if you really just want to 'help them find love'. Also, if I had to choose between this show and the Bachelorette...sign me up for More to Love.  This one looks way more fun.  They got bombed AND got to eat meat skewers.  I'm totally sold. 

Early Predictions:

• Lots of shots of these girls eating.  Because...fat people...eat...
  
• One of the skinnier ones--Tali or Arriane will be in the finale but lose to the bigger contestant because 'he doesn't see size'. 
  
• At some point Fox sends in a bunch of skinny girls, homeboy loves the attention but eventually sends them home because 'he likes curvy' girls.
  
• Relationship absolutely doesn't work out after the show, he loses weight and dates a skinny girl who wants to be in the tabloids.  Ends up as a Subway spokesperson because Jared is getting boring and irrelevant. 
  
• Jilted girl ends up on 'More to Love' looking for love from a man who likes BBW. 
  

What did YOU think?

~Love Handles

I am patent-pending the 'ice cream diet'.  You heard it here first.  Last night I tried Edy's Slow Churned Take the Cake Ice Cream:



This ice cream is a taste explosion.  I want to hug it. What are the stats on this delight?  120 cals for 1/2 a cup with 4 g of fat.  There is even 3 grams of protein.  And you're getting a little dairy in your diet.  Some people say dairy helps you lose weight...I'm going to go with it for the purpose of my new magic diet.  Here's the plan:

1/2 cup of ice cream, your choice must be under 120 calories for breakfast
1 small apple
1/2 cup of ice cream, your choice under 120 calories for lunch
1 cup of carrots
1/2 cup of ice cream, your choice, under 120 calories for dinner
1 4 oz breast of chicken

Voila!  Do this exact plan without straying for 2 weeks and you will lose a dress-size.  Results improved with exercise.  You must follow the plan exactly. 

Want to know how I know this is going to work without any kind of testing?  Because, reduced calories = weight loss, no exceptions.  I mentioned in an earlier post that the special K diet is just a reduced calorie diet...special K has nothing to do with anything except for clever marketing.  Actually, with the exception of the low-carb diets, this is the formula for every diet of all time ever. 

Sooooooo, ice cream diet?  Who's with me?

UPDATE: This absurd diet ACTUALLY EXISTS.  And almost exactly like my fake meal plan---just less ice cream...so less awesome.  I feel validated. 

~Love Handles

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A bunch of my friends at work are fans of the Flat Belly Diet.